27 Jun 2014

Life grates but life's great.

"Take a jumbo across the water
Like to see America
See the girls in California
I'm hoping it's going to come true
But there's not a lot I can do"

Well it's on a hiatus for the moment. But this world cup is turning out to be fantastic.... unless you are Spain or England.  Yards better than the last dull affair in South Africa and with less annoying Vuvuzela too.  I am glad to say that my (Adopted) team, Brazil, are still in as I write.  Here's to the next couple of weeks of footy being as good if not better.  I'm predicting either Brazil, Germany or Holland to be in the last few deciding games although it's been quite hard to predict this time.  Just the way I like it.

I posted the above heading ass I heard it on an old edition of Top of the  Pops that my Tivo recorded from 1979, which are currently being shown on BBC 4HD.  It reminded me of the strange dream I had about, of all people, Hannah Hart.  The only bit I remember is the tastefully naked 'American Beauty' bit, which is odd as she is a lesbian ....and I'm a male Lesbian... so I suppose it evens out.   I like her videos for the terrible puns and the fact that she is always positive but, not in an annoying way that you get sometimes with media personalities.  My main bug about that at the moment is Zooey Deschanel who constantly posts things about feeling positive and 'accept body your image' even if you are all lumpy like (I paraphrase).  I have no bones about being positive and all but try being all fluffy kittens and puppies when you have to deal with the DWP who berate you for not using their website to find work.  Even though you do and the website redirects you to umpteen other agencies anyway.  Now, I apply for several jobs a week and go on the site daily but the woman said they'd stop my money if they considered that I wasn't looking for work.  To which my reply was "What, they'll fucking stop it twice in one go?  they'll double stop my money?"  To which she tapped on her windows 95 computer, humphed and said nothing.

I'd like to remain positive but then I'm not a gorgeous actress/singer/songwriter with a bank account that has commas in the total column.  Whereas I am a somewhat lumpy middle aged grumpy bastard slowly realising that life hasn't finished kicking me in the face until I sell all my belongings on ebay.  It will probably continue to do so for a while too.

But I don't want you to think that I'm a negative person, I'm not.... not really, despite what some dumb ass former manager may think.  I am a realist, but I live for the small islands and archipelagos of happiness in the vast Pacific ocean of life.  Like, for example, when I was knee deep in swamp water whilst in the Army.   We had spent all day digging this fire trench through thick orange clay only to have the roof canopy collapse thanks to the mouthy Mancunian in our detachment.  There we were with thick clay clinging to my, by the morning, orange combat uniform with the freezing November rain pouring down my neck and even at three in the morning trying to clean my L1A1 FN Fal  firearm in the dark I knew that nothing bad lasts for ever.

So this is what keeps me going.  It's not negative, it's not exactly positive I'll grant you but to go through life with an attitude that 'nothing bad lasts for ever' is better than having the unrealistic attitude that life is all candy, fireworks and puppies if you just think positively.   Always expect the worst to happen that way you'll be happier when it doesn't and prepared when it does.

Is anyone there BTW?

13 Jun 2014

World cup fever

All the booze is free, airline going broke,
Here come the lady with another jack and coke,
Wanna watch the movie, can't sit still,
Flying down to Rio, going to Brazil,


It's here again the world cup or, if you are a gangsta, Da world cup yo.  But I am not so let's speak properly shall we?  For the first time ever I own a Brazil shirt, this will be an indication of their demise.  They will now do a Scotland and go out in the first round.  Although unlike Scotland they wouldn't have bought return tickets. How do I know this?  Simple I bought one Norwich shirt in my life and almost immediately they got relegated after a three year stretch in the premiership.

I heard Pele described by a journo the other day as immortal and after seeing him in an interview recently I can well imagine that he is, he looks exactly the same as he did in the 1970's.  Maybe I should go and live in Brazil?  Although having seen the size of the white knee tarantula in that Kate Humble documentary the other night, thank you HDTV, I'm not so sure.  I mean the angry monkeys, the people stealing your wallet and the unbearable heat I could cope with but a spider the size of a dinner plate? Nope.  I mean it's not like I'm going to crap myself at the sight of a house spider or anything but somethings should be small.  Still Kate Humble in swimwear soon took my mind off the gigantinormous arachnid.

I would like to bugger off to another country though, maybe even stay there.  I'm too old an lazy to learn a language now so I'm limited to Canada, Antipodes or the U.S of A.  I can't say that I'm enamoured with Britain at the moment after they stopped my rock and roll recently.  Although I do keep getting emails from Reed.co.uk who seemingly want me to apply for a job with M.I.6.  So disgruntled man with money troubles works for M.I.6.  Who am I Alec Leamas?  Now I don't wish my country or any of it's inhabitants ill.... with the exception of maybe oooh I dunno, Russel Brand, Robbie Williams, Andy Parsons or Wayne Rooney.  Incidentally Wayne Rooney in our house is known affectionately as The Rootard. But I digress, which as previous readers will no doubt remember is a female digre, if I were offered a way out of the U.K. I would take it.

But as I'm not likely to be whisked off to foreign shores by some brunette super model, sadly, I'll await the morning post for another email rejection letter.


9 Jun 2014

Rik's dead, the utter bastard.

Sad, sad news that Rik Mayall has died today.  Comedic genius I will miss his shouty characters.

Enjoy these clips of the man's work.


7 Jun 2014

"Guess who's back, back again?"

"I was dreaming when I wrote this,
Forgive me if it goes astray.
But when I woke up there this mornin',
Could've sworn it was judgement day.
The sky was all purple,
There were people running everywhere,
Tryin' to run from the destruction,
You know I didn't even care."

Arrrr mateys. It's been a while since I at posted to you.  But, to be honest I thought that everyone had abandoned blogging.  But here I am tapping away on a wireless keyboard whilst sat on my secondhand sofa and the pc connected to my 42" tv... ooh posh. 
The world cup is almost upon us again and at which point any older readers will know I switch my allegiances to  Brazil.  I say switch my allegiances but I never really follow England, never have really.  When I used to do the commentary to my own football playing we all did as kids, it was never " Emlyn Hughes, Paul Mariner, McDermot, Coppell, Keegan or Brooking. Showing my age there. It was always Socrates, Pele or Zico.  I've always been attracted to the far away and exotic.  Hence the reason I wore a New York Cosmos shirt for most of my P.E. Lessons, again a club with Pele in it not to mention Beckenbauer, Chinaglia etc. would be invoked as I strode past people like Podge, Gavin or Paul Howard on the school football pitch.  I suspect that most of my contemporaries were unaware, or at the very least, uncaring that there was even a league in the U.S.A.  Happy as they were in their Norwich, Ipswich, Liverpool or even Manchester United shirts.  Me?  I always tended to scour the World of Sport for the less well known sports like I did with my music.
I've been interested in watching England but my heart has always been with Brazil, the better football, the brightly coloured kit... the really attractive women in the crowd.  Coming as I did when the football crowd was predominantly males stood in the terraces you could see the attraction. Another reason would possibly be that I was growing up at the time of the casuals beating the shit out of each other on the terraces or often the pitch for no good reason other than they were mindless morons.
Maybe it all stems from the fact I've always wanted to escape to other parts of the world but somehow have never managed?  I don't know maybe a trick cyclist would be able to tell me? 
In other news the world is pissing me off lately, (when doesn't it?)  In particular the job I hated is thankfully a thing of the past.  They tried to sack me over things I said about the company in previous blogs, so much for freedom of speech in one of the world's oldest democracies. The company backtracked when I pointed out the posts all dated prior to the date at which my agreement was signed and therefore actions taken would be illegal and result in my winning an unfair dismissal tribunal.  So basically the manager kept pushing my buttons for 6 to 8 months until I finally gave my notice of six weeks.  Now after two months of giving me job seeker's allowance the DWP have decided that my reasons for leaving weren't good enough and have stopped the pittance.  Luckily I have a good, not great, zombie landlord who knows that he'll get his money back once I'm gainfully employed again.  Still, I really do want to escape now.  In my dreams I would win the lottery, pay my zombie landlord a lot of money, take a giant shit on the desk at the local job centre and fuck off to sunnier climes with my camera and telescope and settle down with Grace Helbig (I wish).
Failing that I would settle for a few great Brazil moments this world cup.