31 Jan 2013

More of the inane bollocks you've come to expect

"Well I'll try not to hold you
And I'll try not to kiss you
And I won't even touch you
All I want to do is see you
Don't you know that it's true."

I have decided that I want to be a scientist, it's easy money.  Quite often during the slower news days you'll read reports about scientists have discovered this that or the other and usually it's pretty darn interesting, such as a new planet they've discovered that is Earth like, but it's so far away it would take us eleventy billion years away to get there.  This is to my mind a bit of a gyp, let's face it none of us are ever going to find it even if we had a really big telescope. I often think that scientists don't do any work and cobble something together annually to give to the press.  Once printed in a paper so long as it looks good and anyway it'll be disproved sooner or later as some other scientist wakes up from a slumber and writes a different paper saying "oh no it isn't".  Some other scientist will add his or her weight to the argument and a soon as the world stops looking they go back to sleep.
Another reason for me being a scientist, if the Big Bang Theory is to be held up as a true representation of the world of lab coats and white boards,  is that all you do all day is eat in the cafeteria, chase and get extremely attractive women, go to the comic book store and not to actually do any work.  Seems good to me, certainly it beats my job of selling stuff I hate to people I hate and manhandling shoplifters into the wall.  Don't get me wrong I enjoy the Kaley Cuoco show as I call it and it's extremely funny but why has no one printed a paper saying there's "a planet made from white chocolate with a rich deep vein of pistachio nuts and at some point in the past it had been bombarded by a coconut cookie meteor shower but it's over twenty five to the power of twelvety four zillion miles away so you shouldn't go looking for it" yet?
But the real reason I would love to be a scientist is that I could do a study with loads of cash as to why pets like being stroked (note, whilst writing this I slipped on the keyboard and it originally read why poets like being stroked. I'm sure they do but that wasn't the original study).
No, the paper read that;  
"Scientists may have discovered why cats and dogs never seem to tire of being petted.  Areas of hairy skin contain specialised nerve cells that send 'pleasure pulses' to the brain when stimulated. A study of laboratory mice showed that the nerve endings in their hairy back legs respond well to rubbing, but not to pain".  

Well surely that goes for all of us? I'm sure I remember that I like to be stroked on my hairy legs but not quite so fond of being stabbed.  Watch the science journals in the near future for my paper entitled "A study on why cats like to be stroked but aren't that fond of being hit in the face with a hammer".


18 Jan 2013

"So wish me away to an unknown place
Am I living in a land with no name
I'll be making a start with a brand new heart
Stop me making sense again."

 As illustrated in this picture above my astronomy habit is carrying on unabated (cloud allowing).  If it were up to me I'd be out every night staring up at the stars and planets.  So far I've been quite cold and spending a tonne of money on the habit.  
As I write this I'm watching a David Attenborough programme about Africa and I've watched a baby heffalump die which made me very sad, then the programme goes on about flamingoes.  All I could think of was "I don't care about flamingoes I've just watched a baby heffalump die and now you want to go on about homosexual birds!?!"  I know nature is cruel and shit happens but still, I suppose I was not in the mood to watch a bit of real life. I'm not adverse to things dying quite frankly anyone who is a shoplifter should be placed on Brownsea Island with food for half of them.  Then they have to fight it out to survive and the winner gets a bullet as he thinks he is about to escape.... I find I'm becoming more and more right wing as I get older.  This is due mainly to the amount of shoplifters lately, mind you the Police have taken them away before I can get them onto my island.
One of them this week was hauled bodily back into the store by yours truly which was hilarious to me especially as he was agreeing to return, by the time he'd come to this momentous decision he was already in the store having travelled thirty feet into the store in about three seconds, most of it about a foot above the ground.  
Maybe I should start wearing my undies on the outside of my trousers?