25 Feb 2008

"Oh, We're heading for Venus (Venus) and still we stand tall, 'cause maybe they've seen us and welcome us all, yeah with so many light years to go and things to be found (to be found) I'm sure that we'll all miss her so It's the final countdown."

Well, it's finally happened the twentieth century has reached the furthest, darkest regions of North Norfolk just in time for the twenty first. Yes, my sister has finally given into the temptations of the interweb and gone and been and got herself connected... so no more disparaging remarks with regards to Norfolk. I will try and quickly delete any comments alluding to the retarded nature of her fellow Norfolkonians although literacy and electricity are yet to become widespread amongst the populace so I'm ok for now until I return to visit her & the kids in the summer when my ritual burning at the stake will commence. I shall, when apporoached by the screaming masses pull out my brand new PSP and I shall be worshipped as a god amongst 'tards. People will bow down before me as if I were Moses returning with two tablets of commandments from god. Ooh that's an idea maybe I could make my own commandments?

Commandment 1, Thou shalt not worship Robbie Williams for he is untalented.
Commandment 2, Noel Edmonds shall be buried with ants and a jar of honey smearedeth about his person.
Commandment 3, Thou shalt not worketh on a sunday, but putteth thine feet up for a bit whilst watching 'Time Team' with a niceth cup of tea.
Commandment 4, Any tv executives that maketh a programme with 'dancing', 'ice' or 'celebrity' in the title may be set upon by rabid guinea pigs-eth.
Commandment 5, At some time in the future, whenever convenient for her, Sarah Silverman must layeth down with our lord Mike... and not complaineth when he falls asleep upon her bosom nor when he awakes with a nipple imprint upon his cheek.
Commandment 6, ...Or Hilary Swank...
Commandment 7, The elderly must not smell of wee.
Commandment 8, All naturists must actually looketh like the ones in my head and not like the ones who resemble a badly stuffed bag of spanners.
Commandment 9, All women must not wish themselves dead when I witter on about world war two, cartoons or star wars... Or ask them out.
Commandment 10, All religion to be abolished... apart from this one obviously.
Commandment 11, Everyone is to tell me how great I am-eth.

The gospel from the book of Kevin
In the beginning there was the dark and Mike said "somebody switch on the light". And somebody switched on the light, but not before closing the curtains, think of what the neighbours might sayeth. And Lo! God created man and as he had a bit less clay than he needed and the shops were shut what with it being easter bank holiday weekend god used half a tub of Helman's mayonnaise. God said "Behold for I have created man and he shall be called Mike". And so Mike roamed the Bournemouth Pleasure gardens of paradise (in the nuddy) and Mike was unhappy (and cold). God asked "Why art thou unhappy?" "I am alone in this world god and am a bit bored." Mike answered "Does it really have to be 2 billion years before they invent the Playstation o Lord?" "Yes it does but stand back and watch this shit" said god for he was nicely toasted as he often was therefore explaining the animals of Australia. God reacheth down and took one of Mike's ribs (for he had had take out delivered), "that's not much of a trick" sayeth Mike unto god "you just nicked my dinner and you didn't pay for your garlic bread." God wasn't listening (as usual) but with a flash and a mighty hey presto God created woman. And it was good. As Mike stood in the nuddy before god's newest creation a woman not unlike Hilary Swank in the naughty naked nude (as she often is in my head) he looketh her up and down as he noticed a stirring in his loins. He looked Hilary in the eye and said "You'd better stand back I don't know how big this thing gets."

As my regular viewers will no doubt remember I'm calling my new religion 'I Can't Believe It's Not Buddha.'
Here's your music for your listening pleasure. Firstly we have a load of my recent twelve inch buys, some of which are repeated because the new set up I got before Christmas gives a better sound quality, especially if you've got 5.1 surround sound on your PC like wot I does. Then I've got the latest NME classics album (track listing in the comments) and a load of Ska (again track listing in the comments). Ttfn and see you anon black dog allowing.
Ska 1
Ska 2
12" 1
12" 2

Enjoy the rest of the Easter Weekend

18 Feb 2008

"Stop me, oh, stop me Stop me if you think that you've Heard this one before Stop me, oh, stop me Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before Nothing's changed I still love you, oh, I still love you ...Only slightly, only slightly less than I used to, my love"

Well, I've been away for a bit, from my blog at least. No real reason I just felt like a bit of a break mainly I couldn't think of anything to write (as ever) but, also for the reasons of the usual black dog and trying out my new gadgets that I keep buying from ebay and Maplin (good old staff discount). I'm still there despite my best efforts, it's a bit better because the manager has left along with a couple of others they were fine it was the manager we were glad to see the back of. Anyway I'm here now, what've you been doing? Oh Really? How nice anyway enough about you get your own damn blog!!! Let's have more about me. Life has improved since my buying of a two slice sandwich toaster, we all get the toastie fever which, for once, is not an illness caught from some disgusting customer, and there are so many. Still, it's all material for the old books. Ooh, I've just read the latest Douglas Coupland book (The Gum Thief) and I must say that it was about several employees who work in a 'Staples' and are totally dissatisfied with their lot in life. It struck so much of a chord with all of us there at Maplin that I was tempted to buy everyone a copy. Also I have now watched the first eight episodes of jPod the tv series and I can say I'm more than impressed. It's actually betterer than I thought it would be. I've warmed to the characters or rather the actors playing the characters even the one who looks like the idiot out of CBBC's Dick & Dom whom I want to thump heartily just because he's a dick although I'm not sure if he's called Dick or Dom so I'll just go by sight. But anyway I can recommend the show despite my reservations at the start. I tried to broaden my reading recently by trying to read some Oscar Wilde.... It's not often that I won't finish a book but there you go. Well bloody Morrissey has been wibbling on about him for years, amongst others so I thought why not? I'll tell you why not, bloody boring upper class pillocks do things and say terribly terribly 'witty' things to one another. I may be an inverted snob but what the hell, I find little interest in the comings and goings of victorian society. Although I have read some shakespeare so I'm not your usual shop worker, for whom a book is a thicker version of TVChoice. I keep seeing people I don't want to see and not the ones I do life's a cunt... as I believe Rene Dustcart said.

Anyway here's some music for you to enjoy, whilst I shut up. Madness' Absolutely and Seven and The Smiths bootleg 'Asleep' and the album 'Strangeways here we come'.
Madness - Absolutely
Madness - 7
The Smiths - Asleep
The Smiths - Strangeways here we come