16 May 2007

"You could wait for a lifetime, To spend your days in the sunshine. You might as well do the white line, 'Cause when it comes on topYou've gotta make it happen." I've just been for a job interview out in thur cun'ree at a garden centre...exciting. I wasn't sure where exactly I was supposed to go, so I asked the bus driver. He took me to a garden centre... unfortunately he took me to the wrong garden centre. Luckily the lady in the seat behind me knew the way. "You just want to walk down Ham lane" she said. "Lane" I thought and pictured in my mind a slight walk. Several miles later I understood that the person who had named the 'lane' had either never been there or had a sense of humour. It's around about 5 miles long. Luckily it was straight with a slight bend around about halfway because I was wearing the wrong shoes for taking corners at speed and would have ended up wrapped around a tree. That would have ruined my suit. As it was I didn't want the job anyway bloody gardening, I hated the gardening department at my last place... mind you I hated all the departments I was on. Anyway there I was striding out in my black suit and tie and nicely polished shoes covered in mud (at least I hope it was mud) and my suit arm covered in bits of bush and insects. It was like being back in the army except I didn't have a gun (mores the pity). Interview went well despite my trying out my telepathy. Only when the post man arrives next week with the letter will I find out whether my Jedi Mind tricks worked. Mind you then the letter would say "sorry I won't give you the job but I have decided to fuck your brains out". She was quite cute although I don't want to work for them. God, gardening supplies.

Anyway then there was a loooong walk back into town and semi civilisation, although I did find a Ye olde worlde sweete shoppe whereupon I happened to purchase some sugary comestibles. "A quarter of Kola Kubes my good sir" says I slapping my gloves on the counter and prodding a street urchin with a sharpened stick for good measure. "You have to ask for a hundred grammes now sir" he sayeth unto me. "EU regulations" he continuethetheth. (I'm sorry, I have a mouth ulcer). At any moment I expected there to be a squad of EU officials come bursting through the shopfront SAS stylee and slap me with a fine for daring to not convert my tongue to metric under article 3462, paragraph epsilon 4, subsection 597a. Pockets bulging with a QUARTER of Kola Kubes ...and a pound of mint numbugs I awayed to the bus stop. I discovered that I had three new pockets in my jacket that I'd not discovered before. I wouldn't mind but I've only had it three years. After about an hour and a half of chastising swearing children and sharing sweets with old ladies and waiting for the bus I managed to finally get home to scrape the bugs and leaves off my jacket.

It was like a foriegn country in a way as I stood out like a sore thumb in my suit and it seemed that I spoke in a strange tongue. I asked one lady (who one of those sexy 'horsey' types or was it just I liked her legs in those jodphurs?) anyway I disgress. I asked one lady if "this was Ham lane?" "Is this an aeroplane"? She asked puzzled. Sigh, "no I said is this Ham lane." "Oh yurrrr" she replied. How could someone so attractive and faintly smelling of horse manure be so deaf? I thought.

Anyway here's the music and I'm sorry if this was a little disjointed tonight I've been playing air drums along to the Who whilst typing. We have Tighten Up vol 1 as requested. This is the one I posted last year with the extra tracks. Also I've reposted the best of Desmond Dekker who sadly died a while back.


Anonymous said...

Hi Upsetter
I haven't written for a while but i regularly look in.
I see that you are still sailing on the ship of misery/misfortune as i am myself in a similar though slightly different way.
It,s always a source of comfort to find find that other people are suffering the shitty little setbacks that all conspire to make one big one.
I don't blame you for not wanting the garden centre job as i know several people who worked in em and left as they wanted blood for very little pay.(i once was a gardener but it was for the local council and for 10 years it was like being at school with your best mates then all of a sudden new management, everything changed and i left.
I still miss those old days big time.
Anyway as i have said before i really hope you find a decent job soon as i can see from your blog that you are healthily cynical enough to fit in somewhere that would appreciate you.
I just hope that if you do you will still have time to at least continue to post your humourous observations.
Cheers mate and good luck.

TheUpsetter1969 said...

Don't worry I'll always find time to post on here. Healthily cynical or grumpy 38 year old man? You decide :) I've just handed my cv in to an internet cafe down in the seafront so fingers crossed.

Glad to have you comment again (I do like all my commenters). And if there's one thing I've learnt over the last few hundred years (or what seems like) is the fact that there is always someone worse off than your self, you are never alone in your problems and nothing bad lasts for ever.