31 Mar 2006

"I am one of those melodramatic fools neurotic to the core no doubt about it."

We British really have no idea do we? I mean all these foreign diplomats and politicians invite us over to their countries all over the world where we get to see our politicians in exotic and beautiful locales. It doesn't quite go down like that when we invite them over here. U.S. Secretary for something or other Condileeza Rice took Jack Straw to Birmingham, Alabama (pronounced Burming-ham Alabamy apparently), she showed him an NFL game where he described it as Rugby with commercials. She then showed him the sights sounds and churches in her tour of the area. So I ask how impressed was she when Jack invited her to the rain soaked Northern British town of Blackburn? Where to her no doubt immense delight she was treated to our national sport ... unfortunately they weren't in when they called but there were some kids having a kick about. How thrilled she must have been to be given her very own goalkeeping gloves and Blackburn Rovers shirt (with her name on), you can just picture her around her apartment in Washington fluffy slippers, Blackburn rovers shirt and tub of ice cream. It is just so embarrassing to be British sometimes, it's typical of this government though it all seems so last minute not thought through and half arsed. Was she treated to a state banquet at Harry Ramsdens high street chippy or did jack borrow the mayor's office and pop down to Iceland's? "Would you like some more cheap cola to go with your Findus crispy pancakes Condi?"

Tonight's post is an album from back in the day when I used my dick for more than stirring my tea with. Yes, I actually had a sex/social life. 1986's (incidentally it hasn't been that long... but it certainly feels like it :( ) Public Image Limited's Album called 'Album'.


30 Mar 2006

"So there I am polished heart throat in full puff I look the part my wad is packed to reimburse.I've yet to re-rehearse many moons spent on lovelines lent from Long-legged pop-eyed fat-necked Benny Bullfrog".
Not much going on in the world of retail as of late except for the fact that there was a Joanne Guest look a like in store. Suffice to say we weren't sure if it was her or not as no one could bring forth the pictures of her with clothes on in our minds ...plenty of oyster shots spring forth in our memories though can't say why!?! Anyone who doesn't know who she is go to google images and be amazed/disgustied/shocked/pleased/educated/delighted in any combination, whilst you're doing that I'll be in the toilet with the tap running for a few minutes.
I'm beginning to stay in a good mood just lately, this is due to either the imminent good weather or, as this IS Britain and therefore grey, dull and wet, the fact that I have a birthday coming up in a few weeks and will receive stuff. This delights me enormously in a mercenary 'Eric Cartman' type of way. It also whittles down my Amazon wishlist as I scan their pages Andy Pitkin style "That one, that one, that one." So far I'm on ten pages it would be more only I try to limit myself, the same goes for eBay I mean why do I need a 1983 edition of Smash Hits? I had to buy a bigger trunk to fit all the ebay crap in there, damn you internet damn you all to hell!!! Must .. resist ...Genuine ...Swedish ... wooden handle potato masher. Ebay is really like a worldwide car boot sale only without the Gypsies selling stolen goods and Pirate DVDs (were not talking Pirates of the Caribbean here either). I suppose I should thank the Abbey Nazinial for charging me waaaaaaaaaaaaay over the odds in overdraft charges (£35 for a £2.99 cheque?) otherwise by now I be hiring a container in Southampton docks to store some deely boppers, space hopper and rubiks cubes? Tonight's post is a punk and New Wave compilation as I'm reading 'Rip it up and start again' which is a history of the Punk and Post Punk periods 1978 - 1984 by Simon Reynolds. It's a big heavy book and once I've finished reading it I may get to work five minutes earlier due to being around ten pounds lighter. Unfortunately for me I'm still in the New York arty scene at the moment must read quicker and get to interesting bit (ie bands I've heard of).


23 Mar 2006

"Shirley how can you lay there and think of England when you don't even know who's in the team?"

All these pop ups that you get whilst trying to download music make me laugh. On the one hand you have the one's that come up with some great big fat salad dodger with the screen name of 'cutekitten' or 'girl4u' at the bottom of the picture of her in a state of some undress or where she's shoving her large arse into the webcam. Not a pretty sight. On the other hand you get these one's where a site promising an absolutely stunningly beautiful woman from the former USSR. There she's fully clothed (too cold in Russia for bikinis I suppose?)but having a proffessional photo shoot to show off the perfect features of her face without blemishes and straight teeth that the Osmonds would be proud of. This I sure would be a case for false advertising as you turn up at the airport carying a piece of card with 'Luba Andropova' (made up name if ever I heard one) written on it to be greeted not by a stunningly beautiful model from the Steppes but a former East German women's shot putter complete with moustache, muscles and tattoos. I wonder how many have gone to a court to claim under the trades decription act?
Tonight's post is the fantastic album by The Smiths - The Queen Is Dead ... mmmmm Yvette ...sorry went off there into fond remembered mammaries sorry memories, ...must go an have a cold shower.

21 Mar 2006

I was looking for a job and then I found a job and heaven knows I'm miserable now.

Well, my early retirement is getting nearer, it's this that keeps me going when up a
ladder holding armfulls of stock or shop fixturing a simpleton will bimble up to you and
ask "Are you busy?" I think rifles should be kept up on the canopy shelves for such
occasions. Also I have to contend with hammering away at my layout change trying to get
as much done before my day off when I get called to the manager's office. So thinking
I've done something wrong I carried on with my job in hand and went in my own good time.
Maybe I was getting fired? Maybe they've read this blog? Eeek. No all he wanted me
to do was find the theme tune to Blockbusters and Mastermind for him. Oh yeah I'll get
right on that then. I think rifles should be kept in the canteen for such occasions.

Are women's mags the same all the world over or are they just vacuous in this country?
I mean I was bored in the laundrette watching my smalls ('bigs' really, sadly) going
through the cycles and had nothing to do so scanned quickly through Now, Best and Chat
and some others with single syllable titles and women in fake tan splashed all over the
pages and it was all gossip and inane bollocks like that. I mean does anyone really
care if Sienna Miller is losing wieght, Colene McCulloch is going shopping or Chantelle
from Big Brother is getting it from that bloke from the ordinary boys? I know I
certainly don't. I hope that whoever stole the decent mags from the laundromat has the
decency to take them back (Note to self remember to take back Top gear magazine).

Why have customers started to mime things to me? Someone actually mimed putting on
headphones whilst asking for them. Have I suddenly become Marcel Marceau? What would
she have done to ask for bandages or a hammer? Maybe she was the mime? Had I stuck
around for the trapped in an invisible box, walking against a strong wind or eating a
banana I may have enjoyed it more. Thank christ she didn't need tampons.

Tonight's posts are The Jam - Extras and Paul Weller's Stanley Road Which is my
favourite Weller related album

http://rapidshare.de/files/16098865/TJ-E.rar.html The Jam Extras

http://rapidshare.de/files/16102041/PW-SR.rar.html Paul Weller Stanley Road

14 Mar 2006

"It's not important for you to know my name, Nor I to know yours. If we communicate for two minutes only, It will be enough For knowing that someone in this world, Feels as desperate as me and what you give is what you get."

You know it's not easy being me (despite all appearances). Mainly because of all the crap I have to deal with at work ("where's your wood filler?" "Right in front of you sir." " Where?" "That'll be the 17 brightly coloured products with 'WOOD FILLER' written on it about three feet from your nose.") etc. Note to all potential customers if you are a dumb ass please stay the fuck away from my shop. According to our manager in our extra tea break, sorry, 'weekly team meeting' we're 3% down on customers from this time last year and we're supposed to claw them back, how this is possible I don't know as I think it's a result of my culling exercise. I test people, whilst dressed as Elmer Fudd I lay a trap in the high street. I leave a copy of The Guardian & a copy of The Sun laying on a bench and if they so much as move towards the red top, blam!!! One less Eastenders viewer. So short of ressurrecting the dead I think he's onto a loser unless we want a 'Shaun of the Dead' scenario in my shop with loads of figures shuffling around dropping things putting them in the wrong place and in dire need of being shot in the head then.... Hold on a minute... it's already happened. Run for the hills!! Run for your lives save yourselves!!

Tonight's posts are two albumumums from the The Upsetters Eastwood rides again and Return of Django enjoy the classic Reggae.



12 Mar 2006

"Hello good evening and welcome to nothing much, a no holds barred half Nelson with a loving touch."

Firstly let me start by apologising for the lack of posts in the last few days, I lay the blame
fully at the door of one Mr G. Lucas esq. California for giving the go ahead for the 'Star Wars:Empire at War' game and also for man who said "let's invent the internet so we can share music and get them to fill up their hard drives".

It's a funny old world isn't it? I mean Shrek-a-like granny shagger Wayne Rooney has been given £5 Million to 'write' 5 books over the next twelve years. Now call me cynical but that's a lot of colouring books to shift for that publisher to get back their investment. I mean come on he's no Norman Mailer is he? Not just him though I see that top heavy dim bulb gynaecological model Jordan had them queueing around the block in Manchester at a book signing. Jesus how can you spread 'shagged footballer & showed everyone my insides for a living' to three hundred pages? Maybe the stranglers should have written 'No more heroes' today? No one is worthwhile a biography at the moment there's no one to inspire a generation. If I look to my left at my bookshelves I can see the biographies of several people, John Lennon, HG Wells, Alec Guiness, John Peel, Spike Milligan and Winston Churchill. All of which I'm sure you'll agree where world changing people in their fields. None are twenty year old dumb asses who kick a bag of air about on the grass or drop their undies and show the world their oysters.

I think I'll start a revolution and I'll use Hello magazine as my hitlist. First on the list for my very own gestapo (after customers who ask for 'electric lightbulbs'), would George Dubya and Y Not B Liar (anag) followed very closely by famous for being famous (and extremely dumb) Paris Hilton. I think it's just this insane jealous rage speaking here but why does she bother to live? Let's face it she doesn't have to work for a living, all she has to do is tread water until her parents die and she'll get untold wealth from the Hilton hotel empire. I think that programme where her and that Nicky Whatserface do different jobs badly just shows contempt for the working men and women and the French did in the aristocracy for less. Incedentally is she named after a place she was concieved, like Brooklyn Beckham? I was going to be named that way but 'John Lewis carpark after dark, Chesham' is a bit of a silly name for a child don't you think?

After all that bollocks here's the bit you're really interested in the music. Two gems from Sir Ian of Dury. Handsome by Kilburn And The Highroads (re issued version with extra tracks) and Reasons to be cheerful a best of compilation.

(new links for greatest hits 17-03-06) Happy Shaint Patricksh day