8 May 2018

"We met in a launderette and kissed beneath the air jet

No threat, no sweat

Another one in the back of the net."

To live a life without regrets is to not live a life at all to paraphrase someone wiser than I whose name I forget. But to say I've been thinking back lately and regretting the things I never did is somewhat of an understatement.  Let's face it though it would be nearly impossible to live to the age we tend to nowadays and never have one regret, otherwise you'd look like Keith Richards when you are in your thirties from all the excess.

If I'm honest then I would say I only regret not doing one thing and that was being serious when a woman whom I loved a great deal, but was too chicken shit scared to tell her, showed an interest in me.  It wasn't as simple as that but you get the picture.  Anyway whenever a woman smiles at me my first thought is always "Do I have something in my teeth?"  If I were a cartoon character I would be Droopy except when the two angel and devil characters appear on my shoulder it would be two smaller versions of me telling me that I probably have my flies open or I frighten children and animals and I smell of wee.

I realise that this is only partially true but usually she's gone by then.  Anyway this woman in particular was awesome, clever and very attractive.  But I worked with her and I always thought if I told her I may lose her as a friend and that would have been even worse.  Plus the time she said she liked me and I laughed it off nervously was at the christmas party and I thought she was drunk, plus I think the manager at the time was trying to warn me off by dropping subtle hints like threatening to fire people if they tried to have relationships at work, you know vague crap like that.  I mean I know it was only Maplin but you know I liked working there with 80% of the team, hated the company but the staff were mostly nice.  Also I hadn't finished paying off the credit cards yet.

Plus the whole thing of looking after my mates mum who had dementia was not condusive to  romantic situations.  Still life what can you do?  It'll happen whether you want it to or not.

Recently on a semi related note I met an old friend and colleague from many many moons ago whose sister I was taken with, at the time it was a very poorly kept secret.  But we never got together either, again mainly due to my shyness and poor level of self worth.  He told me how she was getting on before stating that her now boyfriend is a much older man and I should have asked her out all those moons ago.  My mind was screaming at him a bit like the late Lee Ermey in Full Metal Jacket "Why didn't you tell me this twenty years ago numb nuts?"

Tsk, if only I wasn't crippled with low self esteem I could have spent a lifetime waist deep in women.  Hmm in writing this I have discovered that I have a life full of regret and I'm only halfway done. (Hopefully)

24 Jan 2018

"I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try"

There are just some days you want to press the "fuck it all" button.  There are occassions that were it up to me I would push the bloody thing and wipe out humanity and start again.  I mean lets face it, if not me then it'll be one of the fat toddlers with bad hair starting global thermo nuclear warfare.

There was a time within living memory that I felt the world was getting better, we were all getting along and most people accepted the differences of others and we were trying to make things better with regards to pollution and the environment, human rights, workers rights and globalisation etc. Now however we are back in the stone ages what with the rise of the right wing in politics not just with the usual suspects but all over the bloody place.  The seemingly lack of concern for the environment or the the total absence of acceptance of others.  I mean I lived through the seventies I really don't want to go back.  What's next three day weeks and power cuts?

I have never really seen the point in racism or sexism or homophobia.  Lets face it  what does it matter to me what someone else is? I suppose I'm one of those filthy liberals that you here Fox 'news' guests complain about?  I'm certainly someone who thinks all others should live however they want in any way that they want with whomever they want, so long as they don't harm others.  The only people I truly detest are those whose raison d'etre is to hate and to spread hate.

But like I say they are seemingly on the increase, although I have yet to meet someone that voted for Brexit as everyone seems to realise it was a bad choice and is denying they helped it come to fruition.
It's a bit like after the war when people who for whatever reason colluded with the Germans but stated "I was never a Nazi".

Still, I'm an optimist and sooner or later the world may yet pull itself back from the abyss and take a long hard look at itself and say "You know what? Life ain't bad if you just live and let live. Sure it's not my way of living but hey if it floats someone's boat and makes them happy, what the hell?"
I may be living in a world of delusion here but I'm hopeful all we need is the political parties to offer up actual candidates next time (in any country).  Also maybe the fear mongers should stop spreading the lies about the world going to hell if you are a non christian etc?  So what if the man down the road is one of those homogaysexualists?  The world will always turn, the sun will always rise, let's just make it worth living here.


1 Jan 2018

"Everybody knows where you go when the sun goes down.
I think you only live to see the lights uptown.
I wasted my time when I would try, try, try.
'Cause when the lights have lost their glow, you'll cry, cry, cry".

I like to think of myself as tolerant or at the very least sympathetic towards the plight of others.  I'm probably not as awesome as I think I am and I know I can improve but still.  A customer who comes into my shop where I work sometimes up to five times a day.  He tells me that his neighbour who is mentally challenged has been put into hospital.  His main concern was that "at least it'll be quiet for him".  This irked me somewhat and I preceded to tell him about compassion and empathy towards others.  His main argument was "well you try getting it the ear everyday for 2 years".  So I proceeded to tell him of the 16 years of knocking on my bedroom door in the middle of the night telling me to turn my music off when there was none. etc. etc.  I then told him that my first thought when she died wasn't "Oh good she's dead at least it'll be peaceful for me now."  It was "such a shame she didn't get a better life towards the end."  I did tell him he should learn to give a fuck about someone else. Still I suppose he didn't get it.

That's the thing though I know that there is no centre of the universe... and if there were it certainly wouldn't revolve around me. This is why I suppose no one else thinks so either?
Yet again I'm rejected by someone I showed affection to.  I wish them a happy new year and her response was to immediately remove me from Facebook.  Wow what a start to the year.
It's hard to remain on the good side in life when people keep pissing on my cornflakes, figuratively speaking.

So I guess that's it? I'm predestined to remain single in life then?  Maybe I should break the habit of a lifetime & stop being nice to people and thinking of others?  After my one present at Christmas from my many friends and family I'm going full on Blackadder's Christmas Carol next year. 

I just doesn't pay to be nice.


15 Mar 2017

"I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, noone said a word about the sorrow".

 Well it's been a while since I last blogged I know, but in my defence it's been a bit of a task to do anything other than work and work and work.  Then a couple of bad illnesses and the overall lethargy from my usual middle aged malaise.
Since the last time I blogged there have been several things happen that have made a sea change in my life.
The first was that two people whom I thought of as friends turned out not to be so. They spent the time we worked together being underhand towards me, it turned out.
The other was that my zombie landlord's elderly mother died after a long decent into increasingly dibilitating dementia. 
This was particularly harrowing for all concerned as dementia is no laughing matter let me tell you.  Anyone who says it is has obviously not gone through the ringer with it like we did.
Watching on helplessly as someone you care for deteriorate is gut wrenchingly soul destroying.  I likened it to being unable to swim as someone is drowning, they break the surface of the water for less and less time until eventually  they can no longer surface and you can't reach them.
By the end I think my zombie landlord and I were beginning to lose our marbles ourselves, for want of a better term. The almost constant  disturbances of calling for long dead relatives every couple of minutes and verbal and physical abuse from the sufferer.  The constantly asking for food even though she had a tray of it in front of her, forever asking to go home to her house around the corner, never believing this was her house and these were her belongings. The days when she'd constantly be crying or violently shouting abuse with angry frustration at all concerned.
It was almost a 24 hour a day task for all involved, lack of sleep and indigestion from rushed or disturbed meals can take it out of you.
You may say "Well just get the NHS or someone to help"  That's a laugh to be brutal.
 Some help was offered and given but the people that were suposed to sit with her to give Zombie landlord a break wouldn't stay for the whole hour often buggering off after 5 to 10 minutes or not even engaging with her in conversation.  How can you get a break not knowing if they would be providing care for the woman when he returned?  I would often sit in whilst he went to the shops or wandered around the town for a bit just so he could have a break, but he could never truly disengage and enjoy himself as he was always worrying about her treatment of others or whether she'd fallen or tried to burn the house down. I returned from work years ago before the diagnosis to find she was cleaning the kitchen with 4 unlit gas taps fully opened up and the kitchen filling with gas.
Even at the day care centre they would send her home unannounced if she was too disruptive rather than 'care' as the name would suggest.
For a long long time it was just me and ZL against the world, and when you're in the middle of it there's no inkling of a light at the end of the tunnel not even some fucker with a torch. I could have moved out at any point and thereby ending the pain but that would have meant leaving a friend to face that alone and I don't do that,you always help your friends.
The previous text can in no way convey the entirety of the suffering on all sides and I can't remember half the things that happened, mainly by choice. 
I told ZL that I'd remember her as the smiling old lady who would virtually meet me at the gate more often than not kettle in hand asking "Cup of tea?" I nicknamed her the tea monster and that's whom I chose to remember.
The mind is a terrible thing to lose because along with it goes your humanity and it basically puts up a barrier between you and your loved ones and should never be taken for granted.  Excercise your mind it's your only one.

17 Feb 2016

"So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure

How amazingly unlikely is your birth

And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space

'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.

I've just watched a program on the BBC about multiverse theory.  Equally mind boggling and fascinating.  For every decision we make there is possibly an alternate us that makes the opposite decision, or no us in the first place to make that decision.  So for example in one universe there is a version of me who didn't buy a second hand Mac that makes my room smell of pot everytime I turn it on.  Not to mention where he isn't constantly dissapointed that programs that are free on Windows suddenly need to be paid for.  

But I digress, somewhere we have universes that have the Nazis beating the rest of the world in WW2, one where Russell Brand is Prime Minister alongside Donald Trump as President.  One where the asteroid missed the Earth and the dinosaurs lived and we failed to evolve and possibly one where Jam is sentient etc.

So what does this mean exactly if true?  Will we be able to travel to other universes? More than likely not and if we could would we want to?  I mean imagine for a moment that you, like me at this very moment, have had a sodding cold for the last week and the cold virus hadn't reached the universe you first went to.  You would more than likely be responsible for a global pandemic.  Or you might end up in the afformentioned Trump universe and be anything other than a red blooded 'Murican.  Eeep.

It's good for science fiction and may never be proven but for some reason I've always read about it in comics, books, TV and film for most of my life and a small part of me would love it to be true. After all it took them 100 years to discover gravitational waves, who knows what'll be discovered in another 100 years?  Maybe dark matter? Maybe we're in the wrong universe and this is the one we all get wiped out by a meteor in the near future?

Who can tell?  Certainly not some dumbass on the interwebs.  There are always two paths at every decision in life like forks a in a road, you go left and get hit by a car or you go right and meet the person of your dreams.  Each fork can lead to alternate descisions which in turn lead to other decisions ad infinitum.  Maybe there's an alternataive me who is actually sleeping with Katy Perry, Cameron Diaz or Jennifer Connelly?  Or someone else just as out of reach for me.  Maybe I'm a hobo or the man who discovered the cure to cancer or Darth Vader?

My thoughts though are these though. If there's a alternate me who's rich, handsome and successful, then good luck to him. The Git.



11 Feb 2016

Kylo Ren is a moany teenager

"Ah.. Star Wars! Nothing but Star Wars! 
Gimme those Star Wars.. don't let them end!"

Spoiler Alert BTW!!!!!

Well I'm a little bit confused right now, here I was all ready and everything to hate on JJ Abrams again. Well wouldn't you know it I only go and enjoy Episode 8 more than I thought I would.  Whoda thunkit?  After the passable Star Trek reboot and the not at all almost entirely ripped off Star Trek 2 from ..erm Star Trek 2 I was a little hesitant to even think about watching the Force Awakens.  But I went and from the opening crawl and John Williams' fanfare blast to the final credits I was thoroughly entertained.  I'd purposely left any trailers, reviews or spoiler filled podcasts out of my life for the duration and therefore I hadn't a clue about story, plot or fan theories... until afterwards that is.
I found myself enthralled in the Star Wars universe again which basically hasn't happend for years thanks to the prequels,  (spits on floor at the thought of Jar Jar Binks' memory).
I was surprised to not find myself in the street afterwards burning JJ Abrams' efigy outside the local ABC cinema but there you go.  I saw it in 3D too, which for me made the film even better, although I was dissapointed in my glasses were not the Stormtrooper ones so the fan boy inside me was a little sad at that. Even so the movie went through pretty much a blistering pace of action interspersed with comedy and sadness.  Only two story points made me think WTF? but they were only minor ones at that.  Although I did find that Captain Ginger Whiney bitch or whatever his name was didn't have the gravitas that Peter Cushing did as Grand Moff Tarkin but then the two actors are miles apart as far as I'm concerned.
I did have for the first time get a sense of scale with reference to the Star Destroyers and Super Star Destroyers when Rey both rappels inside the former and then flies the Millenium Falcon through the latter.  So when you see the battles in the first three films you finally see the enormity of the conflicts happening over Endor etc.  I was however annoyed that the entire canon of books released through the 80's and 90's are now swept aside as far as story is concerned... thanks JJ.  Wasted all that money on hundreds of books for nothing.

I did have the thought though the other day that if I ever get a child that he or she would never be able to watch the films in chronological order, i.e. one through seven, as they would be totally spoiled by the prequels ... in many ways, but one in particular.  If you think about it the biggest shock in the original trilogy was that Darth Vader was Luke's father.  A fact that if watched in the episode order would be totally ruined by the prequels.  So we'd have to sit and watch them in order of release 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, and 7.  Mind you I'm so old that I can remember Han shooting first, Wolf man (later replaced by a Rastafarian Lizard and then something resembling an elephant face in Lucas' constant retouches) and the original print I saw at the cinema was not called Episode 4:A new Hope either. .... In my day etc. etc.

I do enjoy the Disney XD toons of Star Wars Rebels which is an adequate replacement for the Clone Wars animations, if you haven't seen them watch them.  They start off a bit too kid friendly but get better and darker as the story progresses.
Little tidbit I found out after the film came out when I watched videos on the youtubes about it is that the Stormtrooper that Rey does the Jedi mind trick on is alledgedly none other than Daniel Craig.  The fat alien in the first reel who doles out the rations in exchange for salvage is Simon Pegg.
I find myself enjoying the Star Wars universe again and can now be seen to be throwing money at Disney insomuchas I buy graphic novels, books and an X Wing for my nerd shelf.

You will find me queing up for Episode 9 in about a weeks' time ;) .

To JJ Abrams I say "May my money be with you.. always"

10 Jan 2016

Lovely Lily

"I never will forget those nights.
I wonder if it was a dream.
Remember how you made me crazy,
Remember how I made you scream.
I don't understand what happened to our love.
But, baby, I'm gonna get you back,
I'm gonna show you what I'm made of.

Well, oh your god hasn't it been a long time between posts? I really thought that I had posted before now but hey, the evidence is clearly that I haven't.
Where have I been?  What have I been doing?  I clearly hear nobody ask. Life has been a bit shit and a bit wonderful in various places.  

Shortly after my last post I was hospitalised with abdomen pains on an immense level after being diagnosed wrongly by a G.P. The pain was such that two doses of Morphine substitute and a liquid paracetamol didn't even dent it.  Turns out my Gall Bladder was swollen to something like a tennis ball with two things resembling Ferroro Rochers about the same size too, in it and was possibly hours away from bursting according to the surgeon.  I haven't been able to look at Ferrero Rocher since.  

After that I began to feel better unsurprisingly.  Then I gained employment locally and have been on the up and up ever since.  I have shed dead weight in my life i.e. friends and family that didn't help when I needed it.  Occasionally the black dog will rear it's ugly head but doesn't stay as long as he used to. 

Why the Picture of Lilly Allen?  Many people still refuse to ask.
Well the funny thing was from out of nowhere I've begun to remember my dreams again.  The one the other night was about cloning being a real thing and I 'somehow' ended up sleeping with two clones of the almighty Lilly.  Now, I know this will not happen but as soon as cloning is a thing who is coming with me to steal the technology?  Also we will pass the Durex and Red Bull factories.