31 Jan 2013

More of the inane bollocks you've come to expect

"Well I'll try not to hold you
And I'll try not to kiss you
And I won't even touch you
All I want to do is see you
Don't you know that it's true."

I have decided that I want to be a scientist, it's easy money.  Quite often during the slower news days you'll read reports about scientists have discovered this that or the other and usually it's pretty darn interesting, such as a new planet they've discovered that is Earth like, but it's so far away it would take us eleventy billion years away to get there.  This is to my mind a bit of a gyp, let's face it none of us are ever going to find it even if we had a really big telescope. I often think that scientists don't do any work and cobble something together annually to give to the press.  Once printed in a paper so long as it looks good and anyway it'll be disproved sooner or later as some other scientist wakes up from a slumber and writes a different paper saying "oh no it isn't".  Some other scientist will add his or her weight to the argument and a soon as the world stops looking they go back to sleep.
Another reason for me being a scientist, if the Big Bang Theory is to be held up as a true representation of the world of lab coats and white boards,  is that all you do all day is eat in the cafeteria, chase and get extremely attractive women, go to the comic book store and not to actually do any work.  Seems good to me, certainly it beats my job of selling stuff I hate to people I hate and manhandling shoplifters into the wall.  Don't get me wrong I enjoy the Kaley Cuoco show as I call it and it's extremely funny but why has no one printed a paper saying there's "a planet made from white chocolate with a rich deep vein of pistachio nuts and at some point in the past it had been bombarded by a coconut cookie meteor shower but it's over twenty five to the power of twelvety four zillion miles away so you shouldn't go looking for it" yet?
But the real reason I would love to be a scientist is that I could do a study with loads of cash as to why pets like being stroked (note, whilst writing this I slipped on the keyboard and it originally read why poets like being stroked. I'm sure they do but that wasn't the original study).
No, the paper read that;  
"Scientists may have discovered why cats and dogs never seem to tire of being petted.  Areas of hairy skin contain specialised nerve cells that send 'pleasure pulses' to the brain when stimulated. A study of laboratory mice showed that the nerve endings in their hairy back legs respond well to rubbing, but not to pain".  

Well surely that goes for all of us? I'm sure I remember that I like to be stroked on my hairy legs but not quite so fond of being stabbed.  Watch the science journals in the near future for my paper entitled "A study on why cats like to be stroked but aren't that fond of being hit in the face with a hammer".

 

3 comments:

Not the Landlord said...

Not even the landlord can be bothered to comment now ...

Mike said...

Yeah you're right maybe I should hang up the cyber pen?

Anonymous said...

No, please do NOT hang up the cyber pen, Mike.
It’s always a pleasure to read your musings.
–F.