25 Nov 2008

"Shrinking in the sea so cold
Topless ladies look away
A he-man in a sudden shower
Shelters from the rain
You wish you had a motor boat
To pose around the harbour bar
And when the sun goes off to bed
You hook it up behind the car"
This week has been a bit fun in the shop as I threw out a couple of Big Issue sellers for being drunk and disorderly and swearing. They took it ... not exactly well. Still they ought to be glad I'm not the lottery winner I wish to be as I'd have bought my way onto the local council and used public funds to construct camps just outside major towns where upon the smelly buggers would be carted into cattle trucks and .... hang on a bit..... hmmm, slightly right wing there this may do two things. One, prove once and for all the truth about reincarnation and two, explain my penchant for wearing black shirts. I would like to be a despot though, not that I've thought about this ... a lot ... whilst bored at work... but.... I have a list of things I would bring in.
Trousers would be made out of the same stuff that cooker hood filters are that way we wouldn't be bothered by 'under leg smells'... just the noises. They could come in extra thick for the elderly so they don't smell of wee. Foreign people would come with subtitles so I could understand them better in the shop. Chavs would also be gassed in the camps, therefore McDonald's and Iceland would need to be subsidised by government. All women would be forced to be as attractive as the Girls Alouds ... apart from the ginger one, with the funny face, my god she's thin, and pale and has a funny face did I mention that? I did? Ok and she's a scouse... and with cruelty like that I prove there is no god. Anyway where was I? Hmm? Oh yeah my despotism, Any waistline over 38" would not exist, treadmills being compulsory on council estates. Cheese Doritos would still taste nice but no longer smell of Saturday morning shop doorway vomit. My landlord would be cured of the need to watch those movies where two naked ladies appear to be trying to blow each other up like beach inflatables.

On which note I upload some bootlegs by The Smiths. Firstly there's Unbroadcast Smiths, then Shoplifters From Manchester and lastly there's Old Grey Whistle test. Hope you like them and to those people who have made requests I'm searching for the items now.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

I denigh it all...I know nothing about the kind of movies you mentioned...they're...errrr..... educational!!! o.k they aren't, but they might be... (note to self: stop digging, the holes deep enough!).

The Landlord

Mike said...

Obviously the 'educational' part of the syllabus doesn't cover spelling.

Anonymous said...

Or punctuation ...

Not the landlord.

Mike said...

Great! Now I have a 'Not the landlord' too. Are you the one I have to go to if I don't want to pay the rent? ;)

Anonymous said...

If you don't want to pay the rent, see me (and my very large friend here with the baseball bat).

The Landlord

(OK - this is "not the Landlord" with a feeble attempt at a joke. I admit everything.)

Larkinesque said...

Love the Smiths stuff Mike. Really appreciate the effort you put into transferring the songs into the digital age.

Keep up the good work - much appreciated.

J

Mike said...

No problem I'll be putting some more up soon.