28 Nov 2007

"It's a thousand pages, give or take a few, I'll be writing more in a week or two. I can make it longer if you like the style, I can change it round and I want to be a paperback writer."Disclaimer: Any similarities between persons living or dead is purely tough shit.

Early monday morning, he curses as the Henry vacuum gets caught on the shelf. Luckily the shop was still closed so no one heard him use the colourful ex Army language. Yet another early morning start in the cold and grey light. A light drizzle made the window wet and made him feel even more miserable. A whole eight hours of this shit yet to come. Damn. Henry promptly fell over and the vacuum changed it's pitch to a higher whine. he likened it to the parents he'd seen around the shops dragging an uncooperative three year old around by the hand.
"There's got to be a better way to earn a living than this?" He thought. Righting the small red vacuum upon it's wheels he began again to remove the trod in cigarette ends and small pieces of flotsam off the blue grey carpet tiles. It was beginng to get a little lighter now and the rain got a little harder. This fortold of a slow start to to the day... again. The flexible pipe knocked a few boxes off the shelf and more muttered swearing ensued. Just for fun and something to stop himself from falling asleep he began to mentally compile a list of all the crap he'd buy at the end of the month. He didn't really need it it's just well, "they were gadgets and with the staff discount it was more or less worth it. What with it being nearly Christmas and all and you have to treat yourself", he justified. No one else would get the things he actually wanted "so sod it" he added mentally. The list got bigger the more he thought about it, so he stopped thinking about it. Only five minutes had passed and the hoovering was done less and less enthusiastically the farther he got to the back of the shop. He switched off the vacuum and relished the last few moments of peace amongst the electrical products. Henry was unceremoniously kicked into the corner of the store cupboard and locked into the dark for his unhelpful behaviour. Just rewards. The manager appeared from the office and began to let the rest of the staff in. Everyone was younger than him and less inclined to work all day without faffing around with the remote control toys, and the management weren't much better. Still it was nice to be earning again. After a quick team briefing where he hadn't paid much attention as he really couldn't care less about 'targets' etc. Doors were opened and the great British poplace thronged in, quite literally in thier ones. He contemplated throwing himself under a bus, just for something to do. After what seemed an ice age a middle aged man who had up until now been staring at a price ticket as if trying to dechiper heiroglyphs, turned and asked "This ticket says 'Buy One Get One Free'." "Shit here we go" He thought to himself, "place your money on what's coming next." "Yes Sir?" He enquired out loud The man continued "Does that mean, if I buy one... I get one free?" Bingo!!!! "Yes sir" He said flatly, which was rather remarkable considering he was mentally beating the shit out of the customer with a rather large stick with a nail through it shouting " You fucking morons follow me everywhere you fucking retarded cunt!!!!!" Whilst considering a change in career.

After the 'literature' above I suppose I'd better give you the stuff you really came for? Here are the musical treats for you. Firstly as I've bought myself a new USB turnatble (Ion TTUSB05XL) I've started doing all my recent ebay purchases (yes more) loads of vinyl for you. Mostly from when I was young dumb and full of... high spirits. I may redo a load of the original vinyl posts again as I think I get a better sound quality from this new turntable but for now here's a whole wad of my recent rips. As ever the list is in the comments. Also I hope that you all feel brighter and sharper as I've bought myself a new monitor too (LG 1721TA). I really should give up my job as it's becomming expensive for me to work there.

You Know You Want This... Because I Know I Do

Vinyl pt1
Vinyl pt2
Dance Craze UK

14 Nov 2007

"Backwards and then forwards, forwards and then backwards Eezer is the geezer who loves to muscle in That's about the time the crowd all shout the name of Eezer As he's kotcheled in the corner, laughing by the bass bin."
I have just finished reading Robert Mason's book 'Chickenhawk' about the Vietnam war. It's very good if you've never read it you should. It's not Gung Ho in anyway whatsoever and is quite a compelling read. There are moments of sadness as he describes the scenes of US forces loading his chopper with bodyparts of thier friends and colleagues and moments of hilarity. It's real insight into the life in Vietnam and not just all about battles and how great the author was. It reads just like he was a man who joined the Army to fly and put up with the war even though he freely admits he was shit scared. As a result of reading this though I have begun to read my huge two volume Nam that I bought from Ebay having had it years ago but lost it in one or two moves down the line. I've also downloaded several large documentary files from the interweb about the whole war. All in all it's left me with a desire to overfly parts of Bournemouth in a Bell UH-1 whilst emptying a rail gun into the throng of people who annoy me. These being (mainly) rude customers, impolite customers, my unprofessional and childish co workers and people who promise things and never deliver. The list does go on but I can't remember who else annoys me at the moment.... oh yeah Big Issue sellers who come into the shop and steal our products, my managers, my managers again, the list does go on but I can't remember who else annoys me at the moment.... My bank manager, Simon Cowell, all the people who've decided to be 'washing thier hair' rather than go out with me, people who say they'll stay in touch and then don't. The list does go on but I can't remember who else annoys me at the moment.... Just about any T.V executive, Nicolas Cage, Tom Cruise and anyone else billed as 'a great actor' but plainly isn't, Lisa Riley, any contestant on Pap Idle, I'm a Shlebrity get me a new career or Dancing on ice type shows. The list does go on but I can't remember who else annoys me at the moment.... Anyone who brings dogs into shops and thinks that you are worse than Hitler stabbing a kitten when you tell them that they aren't allowed dogs in store unless they are carried, Chris Moyles... in fact any Radio One DJ apart from Steve Lamacq, Jo Whiley and the pretty Scottish one who does the ads for Comet with the nice knockers whose name escapes me at the moment, God (he just pisses me right off). The list does go on but I can't remember who else annoys me at the moment.... People who don't wear coats even though it's 1 degree outside, people who don't cover thier mouths when coughing, people who eat noisily, people who are employed in positions over me but clearly have no leadership qualities, the man who invented ebay for giving me a way to buy crap I don't really need but think "ooh a 1983 copy of Smash hits" and I bid on it. The list does go on but I can't remember who else annoys me at the moment.... People who'd rather have a relationship with a testosterone fuelled monkey rather than a kind and considerate person (mentioning no me's here, but...), people who can't hold a conversation without expletives in them and are annoyed when I ask them to be considerate around the old lady stood behind them. The list does go on but I can't remember who else annoys me at the moment.... The man who invented Pot Noodle (invent real food you gimp), Sasha Baron Cohen, local radio DJ's, Jar Jar Binks and many many more.... but I'm spent.... for now. What really annoyed me this weekend though (apart from the fact that I'd have to go back the coldest shop in Bournemouth) was that I watched Long Way Down with Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman who depsite not being in a shitty job with having to sit at a freezing bus stop at 7 in the morning to go to an underpaid job that they hate, spent most of the hour moaning that they had to endure hardships and hadn't stopped long in the places they visited in Africa. As you could probably guess my heart went out to them. Anyway enough bile and vitriol here's the latest of my vinyl rips. Plus Mothership from Led Zeppelin. And An old Ska album what I found and ripped for your listening pleasure. Oh and please if you are going to post my uploads could you please at least say you got it from here and not pass it off as your own or at the very least do it on forums that I'm not a member of. Ta everso. As always the track listings will be in the comments.

Mutha 1
Mutha 2
More Vinyl ...Damn You Ebay!!!!!!!!
Ska

3 Nov 2007

"Here they come again hop scotching up to my door One by one again knockety knock knocking upon my floor Swinging on my gate they gain entry by the yard Pulling at my hair they scream paint your thoughts upon my card."
My god it's just occured to me that my blog is two years old. Woo! And they said it wouldn't last, well 'they' say a lot of things and 'they' are always wrong. I am thinking of changing the moniker of the blog as it seems to have become a talisman. IE I called it the Upsetter after my old fanzine, which was named after my favourite Reggae artist Lee Perry who was called The Upsetter. But it seems to have come true I've just upset people. Many of my friends no longer call or text or email. So with all this in mind I've thought about calling the blog "Mike who gets to sleep with loads of page three models" or "Mike who has oodles of sex, fun and money." etc etc You get the picture. A change of name to bring a change in luck. Maybe I'll leave it the same? You decide dear reader. I went to a branch of my old store recently to buy all the crap I forgot to buy in the week and an old colleague who told me to appply for a job with him. Nice to be wanted I suppose? Anyway it's something to keep in mind. I'm begining to settle down in my new position and company though. I still have the little black puppy following me around everywhere. But it resembles a chihuahua rather than a great dane as it did over all that business last year (which still hurts like a bastard). Still it's all character building I suppose? I must have one hell of a character then. I keep running into old colleagues a lot recently. First it was James, then it was old thingy with her baby, she must have finally had success with the turkey baster full of sperm, and the other day I saw some girls who went onto bigger and better things but I couldn't be bothered with saying hello due to being a miserable cuss that day. Due to the fact that KFC only gave me one small paper napkin and no moist wipe and so I was fighting a losing battle with rapidly disintergrating fillet tower burger which consisted mainly of mayo it seemed and wouldn't have been a pretty sight looking like a teenager who'd just popped his zits. Plus the table behind had one of those families on it who seemed oblivious to the fact their offspring was climbing all over the place and glaring at me as if it was my fault that the child was coughing all over my head. (resigned sigh) Then I run into a man who I used to work with who stutters but every stutter is filled by the word 'actually'. So the conversation was at least twice as long as it should have been but still thankfully short. My unnasailable position as world's greatest Uncle is still intact however on a brighter note. As a Christening present I bought My Niece a Fifi & The Flowertots cuddly thing that sings a lullaby when it's tummy is squeezed. It was nice to hear a "Tankew Muckle Mickle" down the phone (she can't say Uncle Michael awww bless she's only thirty two as well). A very excited Nephew is expected as soon as his Star Wars duvet arrives from the Good Ol'U.S.A of A in a week or so's time. I am great aren't I? It's a pity I can't impress this on the ladies however. But, I will have revenge... once I win the Lottery. I'm going to go nuts in the style of that president of one of those made up name countries that end in 'Ikistan'. I'm going to have a rather large golden statue on the roundabout opposite my old employer's building with it's middle finger raised in defiance with a note saying "ha ha I'm rich and you ain't". I will resist the temptation to rename days of the week after my mother like President Mental did as I don't think anyone is going to want a calendar that says "Ginger bitch day" on it.

Here's the music for you. Firstly we have a shedload of old vinyl that I found in the charidee shops recently for ten pence a piece. And a Madness vinyl bootleg what I've converted to MP3 for you. (actually the first time I've ever played it too.) Right I'm off to enjoy the Bonfire night ambience by opening all the curtains and windows and putting Conflict:Vietnam on my PS2... and remember Charlie Don't Surf..... This is the end my beautiful friend... the end...."Bournemouth....Shit Still in Bournemouth."

Camden Cowboys
Vinyl

Track listing in comments