Jesus I'm bored, I've sat and watched the Brazilian Grand prix apart from the crashes it was as dull as the whole day on UKTV History, which is eight hours of David Attenborough documentaries repeated three times. Now I like the natural history but just not all day, especially as I keep seeing all these animals with the mating displays and I keep identifying with the one that doesn't get chosen. Maybe it's just the way I feel at the moment, but I guarantee that if I get reincarnated I'll be the Wildebeest that doesn't get any and is one of the first to get eaten by a croc whilst minding his own business drinking at the lake edge. I'd be there talking to other wildebeest with a nice cup of tea and a biscuit waffling on about the price of serengeti grass these days and the fact that "The council haven't yet built a bridge on this site of the Ulumumby bumbly river, it's just not on what do we pay our council tax for anyway? When all they do is tell us there's a drout on and we can't even water the petunias in our own garden. I've a good mind to write to the Daily Mail about it, it's political carrectness gone mad and is probably the fault of illigal immigrants etc etc." when all of a sudden a bloody great crocodile snaps it's mouth around my neck spilling my tea and making my chocolate hob nob snap of into the cup. "oh that's glub bloody typical" I'd say "That's all I need glub glub." "Only doing me job mate" the croc will reply, which of course will be no comfort to yours truly. "I didn't ask to be a crocodile, I'm just following the family 'istory. Me farver was a croc, an' Is farver was a croc, and me farver's farver's farver was a croc. It's me naychur innit?""you need a mint mate glub glub." I'd sayin my defiant stance as I went down for the third time. "Nah tha's not very nice is it geezah? the croc retorts, "tha's a bit personal that is. Not very nice at all.""A bit personal glub?" I'd ask "A bit personal? Listen mate glub you were the one who without so much as a 'by your leave' glub shot out of the water grabbed me around the neck glub and spilt my tea, broke my mug, snapped my last glub chocolate hob nob off into the brew and above all else you interrupted a nice conversation I was having with a bit of crumpet glub. I was in there. So you won't mind if I don't apologise glub." I'd be in one of my sarcastic moods by now having swallowed the contents of a river whose mix was water, mud and wildebeest poo in equal quantities."All I'm sayin' mush." replied the croc "is that I have feelin's awright? Besides I've seen that one she's a slapper look she's off with your mate, you know that one with the tattoos and the nice car all the things you haven't got.""You mean glub he's got a huge dick too?" I'd blurt out it bitter disapointment."Well, erm, I err didn't look to closely um, not the side me breads buttered on mate you know?" The croc was embarrassed and felt remorse for his actions. "Look mate go on off ya go everyone needs a bit of a break now and then go on I'll tell everyone you escaped. You know make you look good""No no you go on bite me neck I don't want to live anymore, not now Deidre has gone off with someone else." I'd by now be throwing myself at the crocodile as buses to jump under are rare in the middle of Africa."Ptui" He'd spit "No, go away I'll get the lame wildebeest over there minding his own business. Look I've just remembered I'm a vegetarian" He'd protest whilst backing away raising and waving his open palms. "No you aren't who ever heard of a vegetarian croodile?" I'd say whilst placing my neck in his mouth "Go on give it a good and strong bite a real chomper mmmm yum yum wildebeest, you like wildebeest it's good for you. Here comes the wildebeest aeroplane open wide "nnneeeooooowwww" . "Gerrrowddofit" The croc has quite gone off the idea of a wildebeest lunch. Other crocs are standing at the bar agog at the shennigans going on and are frozen jaws
open and wide eyed in astonishment.After the afternoon of me throwing myself into the jaws of the reptile. The voice over of Sir David Attenborough would say " Here along the banks of the Ulumumby bumbly river we see the rare sight of a suicidal wildebeest throwing himself at the mercy of the crocodiles and the croc doesn't seem to be interested. It's hard to understand what goes on in the minds of these creatures. Perhaps the fact that he has a small set of genitals was the catalist? At which point I'd jump up and say defiantly " It's because the water's cold." Before resuming my fucked up life and death struggle.
And on a more sane and less imaginary note here's tonight's posts. Firstly we have the Style Council Live from the back catalogues of Mr Paul Weller. Followed by Bad Manners it's an audio rip of the Don't Knock the Baldheads DVD and then we have a Mojo Magazine compilation of Garage bands from the sixties which is worth a download and playing loudly.
http://rapidshare.com/files/296566/TSC-SCIC.part1.rar The Style Council
http://rapidshare.com/files/303670/VA-MojoGarage.part1.rar Mojo 60's Garage
http://rapidshare.com/files/417265/BM-DKTBHL.rar Bad Manners