7 May 2013

"It does one's heart good
I'm in a happy mood
There's something that I can't deny
I like to have you by my side
It might well be that we will see more of each other
We will see more of each other NOW" 

I'm in a fantastic mood just lately, no I don't have either Cameron Diaz or an Aston Martin in my life, but hey I'm on a week's holiday from work the sun is out and it's just gone pay day.  What's not to be happy about?  Later in the month I'm off to the smoke to see my favourite people and treat them in all of my favourite places in London or as many as I can fit into the one day.
Of course Hamley's will have to be frequented again despite the fact that the place gives me a headache and I nearly punched a store assistant there the last time for snatching something from my Nephew's hands.  The guy shouldn't have left it sitting on the shelf if it wasn't to be played with and I told him so mixed with some choice Anglo Saxon words which my Nephew didn't hear but probably knows anyway as he attends my old school.  I have to go to Camden Town, my Mecca thanks to Madness, and hopefully the kids will love all the stuff on the markets although the place isn't as good as it used to be.

I really need to get on with my creative stuff I've been meaning to do.  Instead I find myself sat on my sofa eating biscuits and playing several PS3 and Xbox games.  Been on a bit of a 007 James Bond kick at the moment.  I decided that watching all the movies in order from start to finish was a good idea.  All that has done is make me decide that I don't like the Roger Moore stuff  after  Live & Let Die, too slapstick.  Still I persevered and made it through to Bond #14 A View to a Kill, the last Bond I saw at the cinema. Thankfully I'm onto the Timothy Dalton films now then I get to reappraise Goldeneye. Speaking of which that's a game I've been addicted to along with Bloodstone and Quantum of Solace.  All three have entertained me and I was looking forwards to playing 007 Legends until I actually did.  For some reason and I can't be the only one to notice this when you pick up a new weapon you go all Zoolander and have the unfortunate affliction of not being able to turn left albeit for a few seconds.  In the meantime Goldfinger's minions take it upon themselves to give you high velocity lead poisoning.
Instead of all this I really should be working on my second or third story wot I ritted, depending on which story I am in the mood to write further.  I also have a great idea for a console game knocking around my head and have spent a small fortune on ebay getting period research material.  A couple of guys at work whom I get on with greatly and are doing a computer games course at Uni are going to collaborate on the project.  We can only try.  We think it's a quite interesting story and would hold a place in gaming that is overlooked.  As usual though it does have a large part of my humour and cynicism so if it ever does get published then expect it to be dark with a capital 'dar'.
I may even forget the game and make it a novel if I like it once I fill out the story a bit.  We shall see what we shall see, it may just transpire that I finish the self inflicted Bond season and eat more biscuits.  I need motivation I need a muse.... Cameron Diaz where are you when I need you?

10 Apr 2013

"I've never been closer
I've tried to understand
That certain feeling
Carved by another's hand"

Well it is fast approaching that time of year again, the part of the year where I fill up my Tivo box with coverage of Le mans.  I have always had a fascination with this race although I've struggled with a lack of source material back in the day I now can satiate my need for speed with the main reason I went for a Virgin media account.  
Mind you it's not just Le Mans, BTCC, WTCC, WRC, Formula 1, Rally Cross even banger racing if they'd show it. would all get my attention.  I buy car mags and up until other games came out where I could shoot things in the face, I was obsessed with Forza4 as older posts will testify.  When my Saturday mornings consisted of Tiswas followed by World of Sport I used to find myself waiting to see if they had either truck racing, swamp buggy racing, drag racing or tractor pulling.  Quite often I would leave the house after I found out it was all cricket and/or horse racing and play around Simon's house.
I watch Top gear almost religiously, closest thing to a religion that I will subscribe to. I will watch hours of YouTube footage of highly expensive and highly tuned cars make loud noises.  This will give me what James May has described as a 'tingle' behind the gentleman's area. I love the noise of motors, although not that power tool my neighbour is using at this precise moment which is boring it's way through both the concrete and my headache, I even stoop so low as to sometimes occasionally watch Motorbike racing, mainly to see dumbasses* in leather skid across tarmac on their arses or head.  Although, strangely, the TT races have never captured my imagination or interest.
With all this in mind I still wonder at why I have never learnt  to drive?  It's not as though I could afford it, although I doubt I would own a car.  I think it is the fact that I would have to constantly give mo9ney away to the Government and Oil companies not to mention having to fork out for road tax, parking etc.  Driving friends have tried to talk me into it the way those annoying born again Christians try to talk you into opening your heart to Jeebus.
I suppose once again I'll not actually go to Le Mans or my other favourite race in the world, Monaco GP, mainly because again I begrudge paying for a passport...and tickets...and hotels and I am too damn lazy to learn French.  I could go to Thruxton or Donnington or Silverstone or Brands Hatch but these places are out of the way if you are a non driver.  The same goes for the Beaulieu motor museum or the one I really want to go to is the Aston Martin Museum.  
So the plan is either learn to drive or win the lottery and hire a chauffeur.  Hmmm lottery ticket is only two pounds. 
I think I need to reacquaint  myself with Forza 4.


*= I call them dumbasses due to the fact I subscribe to the semi Orwellian maxim "Four wheels good, two wheels bad." 

31 Jan 2013

"Well I'll try not to hold you
And I'll try not to kiss you
And I won't even touch you
All I want to do is see you
Don't you know that it's true."

I have decided that I want to be a scientist, it's easy money.  Quite often during the slower news days you'll read reports about scientists have discovered this that or the other and usually it's pretty darn interesting, such as a new planet they've discovered that is Earth like, but it's so far away it would take us eleventy billion years away to get there.  This is to my mind a bit of a gyp, let's face it none of us are ever going to find it even if we had a really big telescope. I often think that scientists don't do any work and cobble something together annually to give to the press.  Once printed in a paper so long as it looks good and anyway it'll be disproved sooner or later as some other scientist wakes up from a slumber and writes a different paper saying "oh no it isn't".  Some other scientist will add his or her weight to the argument and a soon as the world stops looking they go back to sleep.
Another reason for me being a scientist, if the Big Bang Theory is to be held up as a true representation of the world of lab coats and white boards,  is that all you do all day is eat in the cafeteria, chase and get extremely attractive women, go to the comic book store and not to actually do any work.  Seems good to me, certainly it beats my job of selling stuff I hate to people I hate and manhandling shoplifters into the wall.  Don't get me wrong I enjoy the Kaley Cuoco show as I call it and it's extremely funny but why has no one printed a paper saying there's "a planet made from white chocolate with a rich deep vein of pistachio nuts and at some point in the past it had been bombarded by a coconut cookie meteor shower but it's over twenty five to the power of twelvety four zillion miles away so you shouldn't go looking for it" yet?
But the real reason I would love to be a scientist is that I could do a study with loads of cash as to why pets like being stroked (note, whilst writing this I slipped on the keyboard and it originally read why poets like being stroked. I'm sure they do but that wasn't the original study).
No, the paper read that;  
"Scientists may have discovered why cats and dogs never seem to tire of being petted.  Areas of hairy skin contain specialised nerve cells that send 'pleasure pulses' to the brain when stimulated. A study of laboratory mice showed that the nerve endings in their hairy back legs respond well to rubbing, but not to pain".  

Well surely that goes for all of us? I'm sure I remember that I like to be stroked on my hairy legs but not quite so fond of being stabbed.  Watch the science journals in the near future for my paper entitled "A study on why cats like to be stroked but aren't that fond of being hit in the face with a hammer".

 

18 Jan 2013

"So wish me away to an unknown place
Am I living in a land with no name
I'll be making a start with a brand new heart
Stop me making sense again."

 As illustrated in this picture above my astronomy habit is carrying on unabated (cloud allowing).  If it were up to me I'd be out every night staring up at the stars and planets.  So far I've been quite cold and spending a tonne of money on the habit.  
As I write this I'm watching a David Attenborough programme about Africa and I've watched a baby heffalump die which made me very sad, then the programme goes on about flamingoes.  All I could think of was "I don't care about flamingoes I've just watched a baby heffalump die and now you want to go on about homosexual birds!?!"  I know nature is cruel and shit happens but still, I suppose I was not in the mood to watch a bit of real life. I'm not adverse to things dying quite frankly anyone who is a shoplifter should be placed on Brownsea Island with food for half of them.  Then they have to fight it out to survive and the winner gets a bullet as he thinks he is about to escape.... I find I'm becoming more and more right wing as I get older.  This is due mainly to the amount of shoplifters lately, mind you the Police have taken them away before I can get them onto my island.
One of them this week was hauled bodily back into the store by yours truly which was hilarious to me especially as he was agreeing to return, by the time he'd come to this momentous decision he was already in the store having travelled thirty feet into the store in about three seconds, most of it about a foot above the ground.  
Maybe I should start wearing my undies on the outside of my trousers? 

21 Oct 2012

I get up in the evening
and I ain't got nothing to say
I come home in the morning
I go to bed feeling the same way
I ain't nothing but tired
Man I'm just tired and bored with myself
Hey there baby, I could use just a little help

I have a confession dear reader, I have become a born again latter day geek. I have a renewed interest in science and technology, coupled with a desire to just do hours and hours of astronomy.  To this end I bought myself a telescope from a colleague and have so far not been able to use it as much as I'd like due to the great British summer being what it is.  So far I've managed to see a great deal of cloud only close up and a street light outside my window.  No great shakes in the scientific world so far.
It is however my ambition to have a photo that I've taken used on BBC's The Sky at Night a programme that I have watched for a very long time indeed.
I have had a little bit of success I must confess, on a very dark night and with exceptionally clear skies I have seen many a brightly shining dot. I don't know all the constellations yet but nevertheless I have started to make up my own.  Soon I will bring you the photo I took of the stars David, Brian A and Cyrill Epsilon in the constellation of Hilda..
A friend of mine recently has been wallowing in nostalgia with the help of the radio and copious amounts of cheap dvds bought from ebay and charity shops.  I have said that I would one day find him face down with the radio on having died from a nostalgia overdose.  His reply is that "the older you get you have more of the past and less to look forward to."  This is too pessimistic, even for me.  I am always looking to the future, I always want to know what the next gadget is or what is going to come out in the movie googleplexe.  I am happy to say that I would like to know what my teenage nephew and slightly younger niece will grow up to be...and to that end what will I?
Although I have  recently uploaded forty odd photos to Facebook for the nostalgic enjoyment of others I only glance at the past in order to make sense of it.  I may not have even posted these were it not for the recent early demise of the bass player from Bigshot a band of which I was a fan/friend/roadie/t shirt and poster designer.
John Peel once said that he would hate to die as he may miss the next album by The Fall & I must confess that that is my main concern.  Not that I may miss the next Fall album as I was never a huge fan but I would like to live long enough to see a man mission to Mars and the rumoured replacement for the ISS which will be at the lagrange point beyond the moon.
The future is bright, for the moment, although what will happen is a mystery and whether I can afford it will be another.  So far my imaginary lottery winnings have brought me backwards from building a large telescope in the Atacama desert, to New Mexico, then to a farm in rural England (with no animals but dark skies) and finally they've been scaled back to buying a new telescope.
But again I digress, the point is that the past has been lived there is no point in returning as you cannot redo anything, you can make amends if you wish to that is for sure.  I however do not, I lived it once whether rightly or wrongly I do not know.  Whether the present is been done correctly I don't know either but I'm always hopeful of the future.  So I'll see you then then.

24 May 2012

All my lazy teenage boasts are now high precision ghosts
And they're coming round the track to haunt me.
When she looks at me and laughs I remind her of the facts
I'm the king of rock'n roll completely


Firstly I don't know whether to congratulate or threaten to kill the people at Turn 10 for making Forza 4 and all it's DLC. To be honest I probably could have spent my (in excess of) 145 hours of playing in a more contstructive manner but I didn't. Instead I have spent it bombing around Le Mans or the Top gear test track at breakneck speeds in cars I cannot afford, or even drive (I have still not learned). I mean let's face it when am I going to get the chance to climb inside an Aston Martin 1-77? I'd have more chance of climbing inside Lily Allen and that's the sad truth of it.
Still at least there's a game to pander to my every automotive perversion, but sadly not of my other perversions where several of Hollywood's finest ladies have a naked pillow fight but I am nothing if not a hopeful man.
Anyway back to turn 10's masterpiece in racing games it's let's face it the nearest I'll get to being a star in the reasonably priced car or even the owner of a hell of a lot of cars. For the first time ever I've found a racing simulator that allows me to just race if I wish or as has happened I get bored and soup up a Smart FourTwo to make it go 138 MPH (see picture above). I have a garage that as far as I'm aware only Beaulieu motor museum and Jay Leno can better for sheer size. So far I have 190 cars and am willing to share them with anyone who wants to join my car club, (gamertag: gunnawho).
This coupled with a new found interest in motorsports like BTCC and F1 have kind of set out my financial road map for the next year. It all happened one day whilst watching a very old download of the Monaco GP and then straight afterwards the 1970 Steve McQueen movie Le Mans. I want to go to at least one of those, both if I can afford it. I will have to give up such luxuries as eating and will have to cut back on breathing but then at least I will have a chance to try out my new camera equipment. Murray Walker once said "If you went to any Formula 1 Grand Prix it would have to be Monaco". Who am I to argue with that?
All that is assuming that I can remain employed and not go absolutely ballistic on members of staff or the public for being morons. This, as I'm sure I've told you before is becoming harder and harder as we speak. Thankfully I only get paid to be nice to people between the hours of 9-6 after that they can go fornicate with themselves. I mean how can I be expected to help you if you don't know what it is called, how to describe it or what it does? Similarly if I ask how long you need it don't just tell me it needs to go between one room and the next, it doesn't help. I thought I'd left the dumbasses behind when I left Wilkinson's but apparently not. They followed me here, being a hermit seems to have its advantages. Maybe I could be one of those Hugh Hefner types when I win the lottery? You know sad old man in a dressing gown who surrounds himself with 'models' who all disappear once they are 28 ala Logan's Run. I think that's how it happens. Anyway I want to be someone's sugar daddy it seems a nice job.
PS for those of you wanting the Specials cd to be uploaded as soon as Demonoid lets me upload a torrent an doesn't tell me "You've recently changed your email and therefore can't upload shit." (paraphrasing of course) I will post it.

13 Mar 2012

"You don't like me, but you love me
Either way you're wrong
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone"
As I mentioned in my last post I'm currently addicted to Forza 4.  This in itself is highly unusual as I normally get about three races in and fail to qualify for anything further.  Recent games that have incurred my wrath and joined the small number of games that I actually trade in have been Blur, The Grid and Need for speed:Hot Pursuit and NfS:The Run.  Short story long is that I can't do racing games unless it was outrun and then only if I sat in the giant plastic Ferrari Testa Rossa replica version in the arcade.  Donkey Kong Racing being the exception rather than the rule.  The fact that I'm seemingly in no hurry to get to the small pile of games I bought and haven't played since getting Forza 4 is testament to my addiction.  Some eight weeks have passed and I've bought all the DLC and souped up cars to no end ( I now have a Range Rover that will make Ferraris into little red dots in the rear view mirror), 
I have also downloaded a whole host of videos from  WRC, F1 and Nascar from all sorts of vintages  I have whole seasons of F1 from Ye Olde Tymes when I used watch Messrs Mansell, PIquest, Senna and Prost, then Schumaker and Hill etc.  I find myself not agreeing with the lines that they take through certain corners on many of the tracks... despite these people and those more recent ones like Vettel, Hamilton and Webber being the ultimate in drivers and me just some fat bloke sitting on a cheap sofa who dreams of going to the Monaco Grand Prix or even better Le Mans armed only with a camera and a child like enthusiasm for roaring machines that he himself can't actually drive.
I think Forza has made me into a twelve year old again, albeit a twelve year old with 950 times the pocket money I actually got.  I say this because being on leave from work for the first time in nearly six months and being bored having not planned anything other than to sit and play Forza I found Motorsport artworks to put on my wall.... I say artworks they are only just a step up from posters ripped from one of my childhood magazines.
Providing that we don't all die on the eve of the birth of the baby Jeebus because of all the planets lining up or the coming of Damien doesn't happen I plan to go to at least one interesting thing next year.  The arse groove on my sofa may actually disappear.
"Talking bout Monroe and walking on Snow White
New York's a go-go and everything tastes nice
Poor little Greenie, woh ho
Get back home"

The older I get the less I understand in life.  Here are a list of just a few of them.
The attraction of Cher Lloyd.
People who wearscarves and hats with a t shirt in the cold but no coat.
People who wear perfectly good trousers and then have them hanging below their bumcakes.
People who feel the need to dress like Superman to go on a pub crawl.
Dancing.
Jewellery, no idea as to why that's popular.
Justin Beiber,
Nicholas Cage.
TOWIE. (I am certain that if I hold my ear to Amy Child's head I will hear the sea).
How people STILL don't know metric measurments.
Why people ask me for 'Start' cables and 'Preview' boxes.
Lloyds security who rang me up to say we've noticed that you spent a lot of money all at once and then nothing when you were overdrawn and it happened four weeks ago as well.
But most of all I am completely stumped as to why shoplifters seem to think they are invisible and why the drunks come into my shop and still think they won't be noticeably drunk to someone who is stone cold sober.   
The cold hard  some say, cruel fact is that the older I get the less I understand.  I fully expect to be found one day dressed in only my dressing gown shouting at ducks in the park.  But until then I shall drive my collection of vintage cars around the racetracks of the world hell for leather.  Sadly only on Forza 4.